What I did today

Life has been spectacular. You know showing up to classes, walking with an extra swag, breaking hearts and shit. I even met some new people you know, maybe future friends. I’m just on a roll and the thing is if you met me in real life I don’t swear out loud or much. Most times internally when I do swear and I guess on wordpress I feel like i’m streaming in my thoughts. Woke up this morning, did laundry,  showered and raided a guava tree with my room mates, ate breakfast, watched a snippet of Girlfriends that was on tv. It’s about Jones complaining that the guy she is with is gay only to find out he’s a sex addict. It was so funny. Is anybody here a sex addict? I think sometimes if I was having sex I might turn out to be a sex addict.Sigh , okay more or less turn out to be one. But then do you have to have sex to be a sex addict? I guess that’s why the sex comes before the addict.

So I watch some Youtube music videos, check my emails a kachillion times and just idle on social media a bit (twitter etc.) so I can delay doing any actual school work. And what do I decide to do next? Go on wordpress because I feel like I haven’t made a post in so long.

So i’m just home for the day because I have an evening class and i’m just hanging with my room mate who heaven knows I can’t stand sometimes but she’s nice. Don’t know why I chose so many evening classes because it’s creepy in the evenings on campus.  But i’m not much of a morning person. I feel for fast food today. Think i might order some bbq and fried chicken with fries and soda. I mean there is no point in staying all skinny for people and their messed up perceptions. I’m kidding I can eat a ton and not get super fat. Going home tomorrow. This semester I feel more alive. Is it a good thing I don’t think so. But who am I to say this early in the game.

I’M UP TO NO GOOD

I’m back at Uni and life starts squeezing me by the throat. I also realize something. I’m more rash nowadays as if I’m trying to get God or deaths attention. I’m normally the person who calculates the distance between steps before I start walking down. Now I’m the one that leaps of the railings to see if I can jump over all those steps (22 to be exact). I guess my barrier broke because honesty just comes out without thinking of other peoples feelings. I’m even more into taunting guys than I was before . I think its the rush you get when your doing something the world doesn’t  approve of or just doing what you want.It makes you feel alive. It’s me playing with fire ,passing my fingers through the candle flame praying I get burnt. I don’t want to do uni , I feel my life has frozen still. I want to go. Somewhere anywhere in the world. To just be. And I feel like no one can stop me. I think the problem with me is I’ve never been a bad child for fear of my mother. But then again I’ve always developed late. I can feel my grades slipping and life being squeezed from me and the only way to breathe is to do something outrageous that haunts the mind. So this semester I can solemnly swear I’m up to no good.At least my experience list will soon be full. I just want to be free. I feel like my life is some how summed up in the trailer below. 

Over Exaggerate

I’m fine , my last post was just me being extra sad because well I’m a girl and I’m on my period so of course Im going to exaggerate. I’m not technically broke I have three quarters of my pay left and I’m not hungry lol.So I got some sleep and took a shower and life feels better. But life is that is Greek story and that’s how it feels to me. But I don’t give up. And my brother leaves in a few days  so I get his room and the couch is really comfy lol and I kinda chose it. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is I stopped looking at the negatives or rather mind complain. Have a happy Sunday! 🙂 (if its Sunday where you live)

THAT’S IT

I think we all have our breaking points. I’ve found mine.I’m tired of the cycle. I get something, I lose it. Some people get and never lose it. And its not investment or  a how to win book. It’s just life being unfair.And when people win who have nothing its just life’s cruel joke to make you think it’s fair.That somewhere out there exists a balance.I got paid, i felt proud. And then my flight going home is my entire pay check. So now I’m on my sisters couch broke ad hungry. I feel like some of us would be better off dead than alive. It’s like the man in the Greek prison from this book I read when I was 12yrs old “Greek Heroes”.This man is to roll a boulder up a hill for that is his eternal punishment. However when he reaches almost at the peak, he’s standing back again at the bottom of the hill. And he wears himself out painfully everyday hoping in an endless cycle that one day he will reach the top. I am that man and I know I will never reach the top. I might as well let go because that’s it. 

STILL HERE

I haven’t been here most summer and summer is rounding up to be finished in a couple more weeks. But we still have time! It’s still summer ! Lol my days have been hectic as hell and oh my stars have I missed you WordPress.I have not had anyone to express my dearest thoughts to, so let’s just say I’ve been looking forward to this day. So let me give you the update I’m currently hanging out at my sister with her husband and my brother. It’s pretty fun but I miss home. I mean its where the heart is and I miss my mom and dogs and bed which altogether is a huge chunk of my heart.

I worked at a camp this summer and for the most part some of the people were pleasant and awesome . My supervisor who was a guy, he hated my guts. Like he really hated me. He made my life hell. I cried so much and wanted to go home because I never did him any wrong for him to be giving me all this attitude and I literally just wanted to tell him to fuck off and give him endless eyerolls. But instead I killed him with kindness and he made disparaging remarks to me and I just didn’t care after a while. And then it was over, camp ended! And I learnt something valuable that life is going to be like that and you can either cry and dwell on the bad parts or you can be kind and dwell on the happy parts and ignore the ugly. 

I feel like I found a piece of myself this summer and that is good. Its like a piece of me that was waiting for me at camp and therefore I feel more confident in myself and ability to take over the world. Just kidding. But overall it has been a great summer filled with tons of fun moments. My only looking back right now was not telling that guy to fuck off. But I think that is what maturity is all about. Knowing time and place and when to just let things go. 

Also some of the people were as fake as ginger in curry. If you are going to be anything in this world. Be real. Have a real conversation, do not give I out fake compliments and such. When people give the fake , stiff one minute smiles and compliments it annoys me. Its like your wasting my time. What do you want to really say? Do you want to be having this convo? It doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad just be you. Do not kill yourself in the process to be polite. Not being polite is thinking people don’t know fake from real. We all have brains no matter how small you think they are.

So now I’m just shopping and chilling and being me !!!!

What have you been doing all summer?

Let me know!?

I’M OFF

In a couple of hours I will be boarding the plane and soaring to new heights, adventures and people. And quite frankly I am scared as shit. I have knots in my belly and spiders running down my spine and I’m breaking out all over due to jitters. I am a mess. My suitcase feels overweight and  I have packed every item I currently own so I can only hope it’s not overweight so they don’t charge me my life possessions to get through. I can’t wait for the plane ride (and no the bastards did not give me window seat), it’s what I look forward to the most however the people is what that has my intestines all up in bundle. My mom is happy because I will be leaving, she doesn’t understand my predicament because it’s not her that has jumped into a mid life crisis it’s me. Told her about my anxiety and she tells me I’m weird. Very comforting. This is not what the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants looked like.This is definitely not Sex in the City and for sure not Cheetah girls. Thanks Disney. So we’re going to leap into this motherfucker like we were born to swim and we are going to take this head on. Yes we WordPress because you are coming with me. Let’s show our balls and bitch slap life in the face. I’ll keep you posted. Pray for me because I’m going to be taking care of kids and thank goodness not people.

YOU CAN TELL ME HOW YOU WANT IT

I’m so into you, I can barely breathe.So baby, come light me up and maybe I’ll let you on it.
A little bit dangerous, but baby, that’s how I want it.
A little less conversation, and a little more touch my body. A little bit scandalous, but baby, don’t let them see it.

I’m ready. I’m ready to start breaking some hearts again and maybe even getting mine broken in return. Let’s get summer started lol.

 

 

PERSPECTIVE

So I joined back a chat site something I didn’t expect myself to ever do again seeing as how my life has evolved outside of a computer and I have you guys. And their perspetives and opinions were relieving and pretty good. I ended up there because I needed perspectives and I needed it fast, I was up late at night, well last night and it’s after four in the morning. I’m terrified , I can’t sleep, I feel angry, I feel like dying because I took a job and I didn’t think I could handle and I didn’t know what to do, i’m having a full scale panic attack. I  wanted to travel the world so what does this jackass do ??? She signs up for work and travel ??? Where you might ask ??? A CAMP FOR KIDS and as what ? A CAMP COUNSELLOR. Now anybody that fucking knows me, the few well the two people who…..wait, okay I who knows me know that I don’t  like kids, kids make me nervous, people make me nervous. I’m not fun or exciting or know any games. I have no kid control, they walk all over me. I am an introvert, extremely, painfully shy, they designed the word off my ass. I don’t know what to do. Because sooner or later a bunch of people are gong to be disappointed in me, probably hate me, want to send me back home with my incompetent ass and then i’m going to have to be a stripper and pick up dollar bills because I didn’t get a summer job to pay some of my tuition and I end up old, dreamless, tattooed, with ten kids and drunk, always high and mad. Why? Because I suck. And my mom and dad are going to be homeless because the child they thought would become something great only became great at the strip club. I want to travel the world, I want to have friends and people who like me, I want to have an open mind but I also have reality staring me in the face and I can’t turn back now. How do I lead people and I’ve always followed. What did I get myself into? Experience and change scares the shit out of me. My mom is so happy she’s packing and shit and I haven’t told my dad yet cause let’s just say he’s Mr. Excitement. Why couldn’t I keep my ass quiet, why couldn’t I be the girl who never experiences anything. Life either disappoints me or when it gives me something it gives me a heart attack, bad experiences and heartaches too and the rare time love and good people and I pray this is one of those rare times. I gotta go i’m cooking curry chicken and my entire house smells like curry. My curry is good, spicy but good. I’m going to delete the chat site profile now that I have bared my soul. But that guy with the dimple is so cute. I mean he is gorgeous, probably fake and a thirst trap but he is so cute and if he is real I could lose the one chance to have somebody that looks like a movie star but then he might be boring too so ehhh, I like convos and personality which he could also have if I stayed. But it’s addictive after awhile you know? You talk to people and it’s fun and meet people from all over but before you know it you start having a main friend and it’s all you do, talk to people on this site and the world starts passing you by, when someone asks who are your friends you can’t say AriaSweetiexxx and Chadbombshell, life passes you by. And you see other people who’s been there for years and got sucked into an imaginary world and they don’t even see it. And mostly there are guys who go there for sex chat and sometimes girls too. But you get why chat sites aren’t much for me, I went there when my life was bad and I didn’t want to be a part of the world much.So I go tomorrow to collect my travel documents with my heart in my hand hoping everything comes true, that’s the hopeful half of me and the doubtful half hopes they turn me back. And that’s why I can’t sleep at nights because if I don’t get the job what will I do ? I haven’t gotten any callbacks from other jobs  and I’m just tired…I’m going to sleep now because my bones ache and my eyes burn from computer glare.Give your perspective to the worried, terrified girl.

GETTING WHAT YOU WANT COMES WITH A PRICE

I’m going to be travelling in a couple of days, leaving the country travelling. Funny how life works out. I’ts like the world heard me and replied and the irony of it all is that I am scared, worried and frantic. I’m not the easiest, liveliest or best personality in the world and that’s what scares me. People scare me. I know but if you converse with people regularly and feel like you’re always the problem you start believing it and then you realise it might be true. I’m not a good person and maybe that’s why I don’t have any much friends and people don’t gravitate to me the way the planets gravitate towards the sun. I also got a job to do while I’m there, babysit. I don’t like children, they’re honest, they also make me worry and fret. And I get annoyed easily but I lied said I loved children. I have no children control, I’m not fun with children, with kids I’m a walk over. Not authoritative or a leader in any sense everything that I’ve done in my life I’ve followed, nobody listens to me and so I wrote a blog. That is my weakness.What did I get myself into.I just don’t get too close to people or children, I don’t hug much and I have a personal body zone. You can’t sit too close to me or touch me even if your just brushing shoulders, I like space, breathing space for error because if it goes wrong, always prepare for the worse. I don’t have close friends, good friends are few.  I’ve always wanted that best friend everybody has, the one who you can tell and do everything with, dreams nothing more. Because if people don’t like you, children don’t like you, family don’t like you, you don’t like you and even your parents sometime the only thing in common is you no matter how nice you are. I’ve always been different in the way I think and act.  And it makes you tired, so tired. You’re happy you’ve met people and friends and they disappear and your alone again.  So yes I worry because somewhere out there is a bunch of people who are going to end up hating me not to me mention I never get anything right. And that’s my curse. I kill every thing I touch;relationships.Stupid girl.