I haven’t been on here in forever. Too busy catching up to the world and watching mine fall apart. Updates:
1. I’ve been working a summer job for 2 months now. I got a 3 day suspension unfairly. Its a story I’ll tell in another post.
2. I met a boy but …
3. I have a 2 new favorite TV shows called Insecure and Stranger things. Going to try out Power tonight.
4. I am now addicted to spaghetti and meatballs. I’ll make a post about that too. Dont get too excited its a frozen food brand.
5. I almost quit university but I thought I’m in year 3 so I might as well finish.
6. I didn’t make enough money and my mom is mad at me . I guess she wanted me to work this summer and pay next semesters school fee.
7. I’m still lonely and hella negative now. I guess I’m just always sad.
8. I hate people. I just want to live somewhere secluded by myself. In the middle of nowhere.
9. I’m writing a book lol. Just…
10. I have no feelings. I don’t feel anything anymore and now I hurt people now more than ever. And the most I feel is just sad. I feel like Cersei after blowing up the courtyard with all those people and my last son has committed suicide.
I feel nothing. Just a bit a sadness. Just a bit of feeling like I’m already dead.
In another life I think I would’ve been a cross between Lisa Bonet and Toni Braxton. I think I would’ve been born in the 80’s and a teen or young adult in the 90’s. Wearing short skirts, dresses and shorts not to mention short hair cuts with denim and spandex, bright colours and some fine ass dresses. I’d be blaring toni, destinys child and others from my speakers in my car. With a new hairstyle every month or so, the maximum. I mean I remember passing or going into hairdressing salons and seeing all those gorgeous hairstyles on those 90’s posters and telling my mom which one she should get. And yes my boyfriend would be Shemar Moore or some suave curly hair dude or just some suave looking nigga. Have you ever read the book Shy Girl? My 90’s would feel like that with a bit of christian girl Payton Skky from Stephanie Perry Moore and yes its one of my favs just a little bit too much prayer talk(if yo read you’d understand).
But yeah my young adult years would’ve been everything. When I had breakups i’d listen Boyz II Men or Unbreak My Heart by Toni and my bad boy crush would probably be Tupac. And i’d want to end up marrying some gorgeous famous football player.
My car would be apple green or red, maybe yellow same colour as my nails and I’d still have a smart mouth. When I was in love my song would be Monica- Angel of Mine, Boys II Men. I would lose my virginity to some smooth voice on the radio with that distinct 90’s RnB sound like If I ever fall by Shai, I’ll Make Love to You by Boys II Men or Woman’s Worth by Maxwell. And i’d probably be married now with three kids thinking about young days. Missing them and my first love but also loving my present and feeling old.
Last night I had a sex dream. I dreamt I was with a guy. Cute and all but there was a sense enough to know that I didn’t love him or anything just thought he was cute, average overall personality included. But he thought he was fly. Any who he was slim, dark with the head side shaved and he had a bit of a over confidence to him. We were there talking and I could tell I was forcing it, I dunno to claim him as a bf? I have never been desperate in my whole life except for a few movie stars and artists so i’m wondering why so desperate.
So we randomly just like that like my brain couldn’t be bothered and wanted to get to the good part ended up in bed. My legs are spread and he’s resting in between and I can feel his erect penis. It wasn’t big nor small, just right size.So we’re kissing you know warm up. (and the sheets are white which is typical) . I’m stroking him and he”s moaning through the kisses. And then he says “Ready?”. I reply “Yeah”. But I know i’m not ready and i’m having second thoughts because i’m looking at him knowing I have no feelings and this isn’t how I wanted it to happen. I’m having a mini freak out. I think to myself might as well do it and get it over with. Experience life. He pushes against my opening and slides in and i’m a bit surprised it didn’t hurt and he asks again how i’m doing and I say fine.He starts stroking me, picking up pace as he goes in and out. I can feel myself tightening around him and I’m enjoying it, moving and feeling the new weight in me. Fast forward he acts like he doesn’t know me and I have a mini break down finding out he used me so he could say he bagged a virgin. And i’m all devastated thinking I could’ve saved it for somebody I loved or loved me back. And I had it for so long and I just feel ruined. This panic, that it’s gone and I wasted it on that turtle head. And I know I could never have it back. Long story short I’ve been looking at guys with the side eye ever since lol.
Boy am I extra.
Should I quit studying for my degree? I’m just not into it anymore. I’m just not happy. But i’m half way through. Maybe if I just close my eyes I can make it. Just keep moving. I just don’t want to let them down. But i’m just not happy here. I just don’t wanna be here anymore. I’m just bobbing through.
I had some free time today and I was thinking about happiness. When I’m happy I tend to want to make people happy when I’m sad I want them to feel it too , all the pain and you hate them just because they are happy . I love to laugh therefore I love to give jokes, the laugh that makes your jaw hurt, lungs cramp and you start crying from all the laughter building up inside. If something happens in my day no matter how trivial it is I want no need to tell people about it because it made me happy so I want to the see the excitement on peoples faces. I like to see them feel good. It sorta also makes you feel good like your the giver of something, makes you feel high. But I realised that also bringing bad news or finding the negativity in your day to relate to people no matter how small can stress people out because sometimes they think its a bigger problem based on how your expressing yourself. You start and don’t even realise that you’ve turned bitter and every time something happens you see the negative in it, it affects you and your health as well. The mind is a powerful thing, use it carefully. Everyday find something good out of all the bad to relay to someone and most importantly yourself.
Find something at least one thing everyday to be happy or grateful about. Just one. If you’re reading this i’m thankful that you would even spare a minute to read something I wrote. Time is the most precious thing to give to someone. All those minutes add up. It’s something you never get back and for that I am forever happy.
Find something to be thankful for. Also be nice to some one, you never know how much you can change a persons day or self perception. We’re all humans.
What makes you happy?
Happy new year ya filthy animals! Looking forward to blogging more fuckery and reading y’alls blogs. I have no hopes and much cares for this year because we do that every year and lets just see what happens when we just live and not hope or plan. Just live.
It is my second favorite holiday of the year! Christmas!!!!!!!!!! I mean summer is my number one fav because summer reminds me of movies and food, summer songs, summer flings , bright colored and witty t-shirts not to mention , parties and my Great Gatsby syndrome kicks in and I want to be Daisy so I can find my Gatsby ( because Leonardo Dicaprio was too damn fine in that movie). But Christmas is wonderful and i’m so pumped. (I just wished it was longer sad face). Six things that I like about Christmas:
- Food. You eat like you’ve never ate before in your life. The ice cream, cake, meat, alcohol, potatoes, mac and cheese, vegetables, wings, ribs,sweats, soda. It’s the one time per year when my dream comes true and I try to be the fast food eating champion Matt Stonie and break not only yours but other family members records and eat until your’e sick. If you haven’t eaten until you have almost cried, you need to upgrade your Christmas. As a matter of fact don’t tell anyone you ate a Christmas dinner .
2. Pepper lights. There will always be something about pepper lights.The colours make you happy not to mention the ways in which people use them to bring out their artistic sides. They’re just so beautiful.
3.The weather. The sky is beautiful and the air is fresh and crisp. Everything is just cool. And you get to wear those cute clothes that have always been too hot. You get to relax and watch your favorite Christmas shows.
4. Parties. Because this is where the alcohol and cute boys are. duh. You get to socialise, drink egg nogs, beers, tequila, vodka, rum and just booze the holiday away because everything is better with booze. I know I sound mad young but i’m actually over 18.
5. Shopping. Because everybody no matter how grumpy they are buys at least one thing during Christmas which turns into a Christmas spree. I don’t know about you guys, it might be just me because I’m a female and cheap but sales are life. Red and green are the colours that are in and everybody buys that one hot red sweater that you will wear with leggings and matte red lipstick during Christmas.
6. The Christmas movies you see every year : the Grinch, Home Alone, Scrooge and The nightmare before Christmas and some random Santa Claus loses his memory or has a son who is to take over or Christmas will be ruined. If you have not seen any of these during Christmas. What holiday are you in? And if you’re a religious person belonging to Christianity you get into the theme of this month being the birth month of Jesus Christ.
What are things you like about Christmas?
This song is mad lit…….. We can if you want to..
I saw the posts today. Haiti barely survived category 4 hurricane Matthew. It killed over a 108 people, destroyed homes, bridges and other infrastructure. People might be wondering why didn’t they prepare for it? You have to remember they are the poorest nation in the Caribbean. They are prone to landslides due to a lack of trees because they use them for fuel. So all in all they prepared for it the best they could.The hurricane wasn’t even forecasted to go their way but that’s the thing about storms, they’re unpredictable. So pray for Haiti and help them in any way you can.