My brain refuses to shut down , it’s like an industrial factory that keeps running 24/7.I try to think of other things but that ‘s not the same as shutting down , it only stops when I sleep which I don’t do much of coupled with random panic attacks.I haven’t drank any caffeine in the past couple of weeks , my sugar intake is limited like always but none of these seem to change the random thoughts flying around my head.Even dreams haunt my sleep when I am afforded it, day dreams haunt me when I stop for a moment , there is no rest , no breathing,no pause.Right now I’m thinking that the kinky people are probably going to think this is a blog post about me being tied and wired up ,some hot sexual fantasy,fifty shades of grey brought to life,with whips and pheromones with a guy fucking me within an inch of my life.
I forage through social media sites trying to grasp that one topic or current media sensation to think about , whether I like the way they dress ,are they sexy , is the gossip true .I visit that guy blogger page who I think is hot way too often , jumping on every new post like a Christmas present.Trying to be like Olivia Pope , Mary Jane , Bane , or Lagertha because in your mind you think they are strong , you think they are fierce ,you think they are unstoppable but most of all they all have power, which is what everyone want.I mean it’s why the ratings of these tv shows soar ,because people want power and these shows portray people who have power over something or someone especially if it is lacking in our life especially if the character attains it ,it makes it even more better because it gives us a rush because we’re on that imaginary journey with them.
I go to the bathroom at least five times in a night span and return from it and sip more water.It keeps me busy , exercised.Takes your mind off of things. Turn off your wifi on your phone because you don’t want to talk to anybody but you don’t want to delete the app because one day you’re going to cave in and turn it back on and reply to their text messages , his text message.And the little green light has always been a beacon of life on the screen .But this time is different and you feel it and maybe you won’t ever turn it back on and you know you can’t turn the world off.Wondering why people don’t gravitate to you that much when you see yourself as the bomb but truth be told you have walls that make the Great Wall of China look like a feeble attempt.
Keep positive they tell you until someone is rude to you and that positivity makes you feel stupid , you’re scared , you’re afraid of the world ,You’re afraid they will bring you back up like a bad case of food poisoning .I haven’t baked in a while , I need to read a book , watch a movie , get out more .I wonder how people who I find attractive look naked ,stare at women’s whose chest are bigger than mine , think about the universe and witty quotes and serious world issues and petty gossip.A bomb ticks behind an eyeball because you’ve been behind a screen all day and that eyeball hurts like hell.How you’re always there for people and they’re never there for you , maybe it’s because you never tell them but you shouldn’t have tell them.
I have hit over 500 words and it has helped me slow down a bit because now just probably you’re wired too.