I’m in my last year, my skin is clear and glowing, I have a boyfriend who loves me, i’m listening to Lauryn Hill and reading ratchet Instagram news and catching up on various personalities, I want nice things in life, I am incognito, crave food and just enjoy all the sunlight I can get. University has kicked in and my courses are all lined up like linebackers. They are determined not to let me cross the finishing line which would therefore mean my university gets more money when I fail and have to do another year. My GPA is quaking, depreciating everytime I exhale and I haven’t shaved in awhile because nature is right. LOL. I’m hiding in fear from my past, dodging it every chance I get. I don’t want to see people who want to break my neck or interact with those who hate me. I have no friends, I’m waking up early in the mornings which could be a sign of anxiety times 100 or i’m getting old. This school year promises to be a tough one and I find myself having mini panic attacks whenever I think about anything related to school which is often.
I’m just buzzing and hypersensitive to life and my surroundings. My new housemates probably never hear me because i’m cautious about every sound I make. The other night my phone dropped and I panicked not because my phone might stop working, but that anyone would hear me; mind you I have my own flat in the basement. I’m better but not better. I want to go somewhere for awhile and eat and laugh and breathe. I could forget and just be. Just me and endless skylines. I hope I master this school year and I hope life gives me a break. I have a lecturer who seems to hate my guts and I can’t seem to function no matter how hard I try, people just see me as scared and loopy. I was never good at hiding my emotions. I string them on a line but lets see if I can attack and win this year. I have to atleast try. Don’t we? That’s all I can do at this point and do it like i’m never gonna try anything again.