Life is so fucking boring right now. If I’d known this was going to happen I would never have grown up. Just plain boring as shit. Let’s create some excitement or meditate or read some valuable information or watch a movie. Nah I’m gonna go to sleep. This would be a good time for the universe to throw me something big. Just putting it out there. I think I could get my full circle now. You know the rainbow at the end, not death. The good stuff they say will hit you. You get the bad and then there’s sunlight at last and something good happens. So yeah hit me universe in case you forgot or something.
I am planning my escape one step at a time. It is where I disappear from humanity and fall even further off of the face of the Earth. I have one more year to go and then I graduate from University with a disappointing 2.8 something GPA. I will be proud I have finished what seemed like a never ending eternity (Dr. Strange in the infinite time warp with Dormammu going through endless mutilation and suffering) but my parents especially my mom will be disappointed and show me her scorn face (when you do something they highly disapprove of). They will want to attend my graduation, I mean I spent four years crying, depressed and having anxiety attacks to not attend the event which signals the end of dependency would be ludicrous. In first year when there was a dim light in the world I thought I would until now, I don’t want to go through the process, give me my plaque and let me leave quietly and gracefully. But when your mother spends all of her life savings on your education, you expect them to show up because it’s their graduation.
So I’ll collect my degree, stick around until December and then i’ll leave, i’ll start out with mini trips, maybe if I can get an internship and just disappear for a while. I don’t want to read any Instagram posts, I want to take pictures and upload them on Instagram every two weeks because Instagram pulls you into it’s ideals and then there’s just too many voices in my head, it gives you a head ache. People argue about race, politics, countries,food, singers, actors, shows; just some things we shouldn’t be arguing about. It’s draining. I just want to go somewhere and be free. I want to go somewhere and not see anybody that I know. Make some friends and memories and just live a little. I’m just tired. I want to get a 9-5 basic job because I don’t want to pursue a job in my degree field, I have no use or love for it. I’ll save my money and I’ll travel a little.Trek through India, view New Zealand’s landscape, explore the Phillipines, marvel at Japan and China, wine in France and have tea in Britain. You know my dad once said I would marry a Chinese man maybe that’s why i’m forever cursed to be alone because I hardly ever meet any, but that’s another story. I’ll fall in love, laugh, video life a bit, eat until I waddle, kiss all the animals I can, write my soul out and for once i’ll be happy for more than just a moment and my lungs can release all the air it holds. That is my perfect escape.
I have spent the beginning of my glorious summer holiday binge watching series and movies. I am planning a Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and Disney marathon next week and in between i’m planning on catching up on all the tv series I fell off of to see what’s now happening. Some of them are: Quantico, Vikings, Black Sails, the Walking Dead, Being Mary Jane and Scandal; all the series I’ve missed out on for a while. I am now officially on vacation. I just recently finished watching 13 REASONS WHY and it got me in my feelings. It’s about a high school girl who commits suicide and she gives the thirteen reasons why. It reminded me of how cruel people can be but also inadvertently. There are always two sides well three to a story but it shook me up a bit. Sometimes we don’t even realize it but we say and do stuff that hurt people’s feelings and sometimes we’re so caught up in our anger we don’t see other people in pain. No matter how good of a person we are, we just fuck up sometimes. It did what it was supposed to do, it got me thinking. I’ve hurt a lot of people and a lot of people have done tons of shit to me. Things you can’t even begin to imagine but what if I didn’t have the strength to keep moving on. Who would actually miss me if I died? My parents would, i’m their favorite. Colleagues would probably be glad they won’t have to deal with me for group work. They hardly know me, i’m basically a shadow they see in every class or at food stops, strutting down the hallway.Most would remark they saw it coming, she is the quiet girl who was suffering that no one helped. They don’t even know i’m here, those who have met me would just remark in sadness what a tragedy and move on with their day and some would remark they didn’t know me well enough to care. Because people who don’t care are cool these days. People who hated me and treated me badly would cry and create a scene because they have to pretend they have a heart for just a minute and conscience is a bitch. Those who met me maybe ever once or never have would share it all over Facebook with crying emojis even though they’re not crying and is probably quiet happy but just following the masses who shared it and in less than a week they would forget that I was dead. But if I go I don’t want anybody sharing me on social media with their fake captions. You don’t get to do that, you have no right to. You didn’t care in life, don’t care in death. Leave me be. I’m not a social media post for likes, your conscience, pity or for the world to see, a story or headline. Let me be a shadow in death too. And I don’t want my old high school posting me either. I detest that place with my entire being. It was a place of suffering, suffocation at it’s finest. I want to be like afternoon sunsets and early morning sunrise and midnight silence and rain drumming on the roof and water washing the world clean, orchids, elephants in the wild, hurricane winds carrying the smell of the sea and dark rainy skies , windshield wipers pulling water back, wet grass and hibiscus in full bloom. Did you know those are some of the things I like, things that make my soul happy. Don’t share me on social media, I was never there to begin with, I don’t like to be seen, let me be a shadow. Let me be. Just let me be.
This is a beautiful song, it makes me cry for a lover I am yet to meet. Who would miss you if you died?
I had heard all the cute online stories on Youtube of people who met on FB and so on and so I decided why not live a little, which in this case is die a little. I was like maybe your soulmate is on the other side of the internet, i’m young why not, explore a bit. I found the grim reaper instead. I met this middle aged 38 yr old white guy on a dating site, said he was from New York and worked finance, graduated at the top of his University class, originally from Australia. He would request multiple photos and insist on talking on the phone. Literally after just introducing himself we didn’t even reach the regular shmegular get to know you basic convo. I was bored and my life seemed drab and I had either watched or read something cool about young girls dating older guys. He was okay looking. There were numerous red flags on kik (messaging app) but I felt like I could conquer the world and I was walking around trying to burn my life down, I still am. There’s just been this recklessness as of late. Like my life is a house I want to set on fire and watch it burn. There’s just this feeling of satisfaction mixed with euphoria the more I wreck and burn. So boredom struck and I ended up giving this guy my number and we connected on Whatsapp.
So I brought this guy over onto Whatsapp because I forgot what his complaint was on kik. He would randomly curse me out and continuously message like nothing happened. For some reason I didn’t block him, curiosity and the future thriller writer in me wanted to see what was going on here. Also I’m a big believer that I can help or change people and we all have it in us to be better humans. Pfft was I wrong. Then after a few convo’s I realize he switches persona randomly. He would be super nice and then super mean, calling me randomly and asking weird questions. For example he would be like you bitch etc and other names and I wouldn’t reply, he would just message something else totally different kater on or continue the prior convo before he snapped like nothing happened. If I mention it he would say why are you only replying to me now or being aggressive. And i’d be there confused like what?
Why it freaked me out so much is that I gave this guy way too much information about me. He knew my first name which is pretty unique, state in which i lived, University and course of study not to mention actual photos of me. So it freaked me out for a minute. I don’t think i’ve ever seen bipolar in person but it was scary as hell. It was Jekyll and Hyde in the flesh and he had no friends and his relatives didn’t talk to him which was super weird, I mean you must have atleast one friend. He said his brother just randomly stopped talking to him for no reason and his dad too. However what was strange was they stopped talking to him for reasons he couldn’t remember just like how he seemed to not remember about some awful things he had said to me in convos. And then I noticed his stories all seemed to sympathise him. He would talk for hours about himself and he would say something nasty and then talk to you like he never said it a few minutes later. He would pick arguments and then insist he’s forgiven you because he’s not going to remember it anyway. The funny part is he actually thought he was a nice person and imposed polite rules when it suited him to seem polite and he only talked to young girls. It was a horror show, he would blame the whole world for his lack of success except himself. He wanted to know where I lived and here is where it clicked for me. I was talking to him on the phone and I just asked him have you ever hit a woman before and he’s like yeah I like to punch bitches in the face and shit. There’s this awkward pause you know where you wait for the other person to say i’m kidding and he goes “So as I was saying.” And i’m like are you serious and he just skips over it nonchalant and later down in the convo he mentions kidnapping kids like a fun thing and he pauses for a little while and says I don’t do that and breathes heavy a little bit . I’m there thinking who the fuck jokes about these things and why did it sound so creepy. He doesn’t really give info about himself because I think he knows how times and life works especially these days where a convo leak could ruin him especially with social media. He said he was in a relationship that ended badly and he can’t talk about it and he can’ t seem to find anybody to mate with and i’m thinking heaven help anybody who goes into anything with him. He seems normal on the surface but the man is full blown James McAvoy in Split even worse because he’s so sinister. You could feel him calculating everything to get information and his way. We had regular convos nothing relationship wise; we were talking and I don’t remember what happened and I said something about sex and he kept sidetracking it. Like sex was the worst thing ever. So I was like what’s wrong with sex and he’s like i’m not here for that .
We barely talked much after that and I was like please let him stop messaging me because you know most times if not all Lifetime movies they don’t take rejection well so I started getting sloppy, late replies, no answer, have an attitude. He would keep mentioning that i’m weird and I should behave like this and people who don’t act this particular way are freaks. He was a control freak and the more he kept calling me weird the more I realised he subconsciously knew he was off. I mean I am weird but he was off the grid. He then goes on to ask for arm and leg pics. I was like WTF?! I got serial killer vibes, I was out, that was it. I started to wonder what the fuck did I get myself into. So I deleted his messages, stopped replying completely and then this guy says he’s breaking the relationship off and i’m no longer his GF. I was like :
What relationship? I just met you….we didn’t even date or anything (thank heavens) , I barely know you.We didn’t even talk more than a week I think. I was confused. He kept calling randomly all hours of night and during the day and then he just stopped.
I’ve thrown myself into the dating world and I’m quite disappointed. I sat scrolling through my phone looking at all the disappointments. The first thing that came to my mind is I should pick better guys but why? Why can’t guys just be better? Here are five maybe 10 things I hope you guys will stop doing. Just don’t do it anymore. Call it a day. Squash it like bug, i’m kidding bugs lives matter but just don’t okay? Cancel it!
- A conversation solely about yourself. I know men should take the lead and be in charge and say who and what they are bringing to the table but good heavens its two people seated at the table. If at the end of the convo you don’t know anything about me apart from my name. No, just no. Its not cute when a guy talks the whole date or a regular get to know you convo all about themselves. Will you let me talk when we’re together? Boy bye.
- I need you all to come closer for this. Asking a woman if she’s a virgin and how many times per day she masturbates is beyond creepy. How did we end up here? Are you my gynaecologist? Don’t do that. Use your brain and not your dick. Like where do you guys get the balls to ask these questions? Behaving like dogs in heat. It’s not cute. Just stop. Just random like that. I’ll be talking about my family members, world peace, politics, education and that just drops in random. Who raised you? Whooooo???
- If you dated my friend, and she likes you and you guys were/are a thing. I will not date you. I need clear skin and a clean life. Don’t try me.
- You date every thing that moves and then you complain about people being players. So every time I mention people whether it be my classmates, teachers, friends, old friends,spoon,fish you’ve dated them before? You can date who you want but when you complain about not finding a decent person. It starts to look like you are the problem. Maybe you just don’t know what you want.
- I meet you. We aren’t a thing. I barely know you, I don’t even know your last name and you have the audacity to send me midnight texts asking to see me naked. I am amazed by how and why you guys do this. Do girls actually send you pics ? Do I have Pornhub staff written on my forehead? Get your act together. Did we not see what happened to those celebrities who sent naked pics? Not even my soul mate probably gets a pic. Step aside and let the gentlemen through please. And you guys are so annoying with it. Sending you’re little twinks and acne prone chest and demanding return pics. I did not ask for this.
- Complimenting is not some of y’alls forte. If you know you can’t say the big extravagant stuff. Say you’re pretty, beautiful, nice etc. Don’t tell a woman she looks kinda cute. It’s like you’re telling them they’re ugly but you don’t want to say it. Kinda? Really? You look nice, keep it moving.And it’s always the good looking egotistical guys who do this. Especially if you compliment or hype them up. They say it like i’m the catch here, you should be extremely lucky and thirsty . Also telling a person they’re a rare beauty because of the race they are or where they’re from is also a lowkey insult. Why is it rare? Stick to the simple: beautiful, gorgeous, pretty, cute. That’s it.That’s it!
- For the touchy men. Practice not to talk and touch people especially women. Practice that not everything you see you should touch. Personal space is important. So now i’m worried on the way home because i’m wondering if you’re a serial rapist. Don’t touch people point blank unless they give you permission to.
- Fake super intelligent and fake woke is annoying. Be who you are. If you’re intelligent and woke fine. But chanting all these world facts and contradicting yourself is so annoying. Or saying something that makes no sense and being arrogant with it is annoying. Yes you know it all. Yes you watch the Big Bang Theory but that doesn’t mean you know the meaning of the word nidificate.
- Texting other girls with the convo wide open in clear view is a no. It does not fuel jealousy to just start having and showing a full blown convo with somebody telling them the same thing you’re telling me. Why do you guys do this?
- I’m not your hun, honey, babe, baby. When did we get here? Also mentioning where you take various other girls on dates is a No. I don’t need to know your ranking system.
I’m so over this shit i’m going to log out of WordPress and go to bed.
I woke up this morning startled, panicking, heart racing infront of the computer; that I’ve precariously placed on my bed side. Because around 4am I convinced myself that if I lie in bed while doing assignments i’d be warm and the early morning chill wouldn’t get me, no I wouldn’t fall asleep and I would be able to finish doing all the shit ton of work I have to do. I was wrong, I woke up to a blank dark screen, bleak light streaming through the windows and the realisation that another day is supposed to start. I wonder if i can make up an excuse to not to go to my group meeting for an assignment that I am finally interested in. But I don’t want to get ready and arrive and then wait for people who may not even show up and then proceed to say all the work can be done in a whatsapp group chat. I realise two hours later that I have to go to the stupid meeting because I have no food and i’m starving. Shit, just when I found a decent alibi.
I hear bathroom doors slam close and its the girl who lives across from me who I share bathroom with probably checking to see if the bathroom is still there with all the heavy angry, aggressive steps a rhino could possess. I promise myself to look for a new apartment, struggle to formulate how i’ll pay the deposit and get movers. Think of a friend, no they’re way too bougie (however it is spelt boujee, bourgeois) to carry my stuff in their car and forget such nonsense. Here I am public enemy number one because I love my self too much and my own company. I promise myself to move the next month and I never do.
I think how will I navigate campus, thinking of entrances and how to get to the food spots without being seen, i’m scared to go incase I run into a lecturer who i’ve been trying to avoid for a while now, who’s assignment was due last week Sunday or the week before? University assignments are no joke, it was worth a huge percentage ( around 40?) and I am indefinitely going to fail because the first assignment I handed in was a joke. However i’ve somehow mustered up the courage to tell myself everyday that I am going to complete it. I get home sleep and do the same thing each day, I’ll complete it later. Ten days have already passed since the due date. That was two weeks ago. I’m lying down staring at time jumping across my phone screen, and I decide that I’m going to write here every morning.Yeah lol.
Back to the late assignment, this is for a no nonsense, tell everybody which son of a bitch dared to not hand in his assignment on time and humiliate them kind of lecturer. My mom thinks i’ve done it, she heard the i have an assignment to do excuse everytime she calls and so as to not fuel questions I start with the assignment I’ve done. I sensed she isn’t buying it, she squinted at me the other weekend I visited her. I guess it’s a silent protest, who knows. I’m half way hoping my lecturer realises and emails me and I can tell him I did do the work and pretend that i sent it to the wrong email. I also hope he doesn’t read WordPress blogs.
I’ve rubbed myself into other worlds two times since morning. I made a vow to not to do it again until atleast Thursday. I’m thinking of ways in which I can spend my tax return and then realise my mom already dedicated it to rent. RIP spending your own money, wishing that some mistake had happened and I could get atleast double the money, but then that wouldn’t be fair and I can’t do prison, Orange is the New Black is not cute.
I’m thinking of all the boys i’ve thrown myself at since the semester started and my brain mutters “Pathetic”. I’m supposed to be looking for jobs but i’m currently trying to load a new series of Spongebob. I read a sarcastic but funny and well written post about a white good looking guy in Korea whose life sucks and I remember when I joined WordPress years ago he was my crush and seemed so much more cooler. But now you read from a new perspective, old age is a bitch.
I’ll buy BBQ wings, seafood and alcohol on my way home. I’ll drink to my academic destruction, cry my soul out and pray for whatever is left. I’ll have to end up doing an extra year for that course. Aint that a bitch. I’m not hearing any bathroom noises, the rhino is asleep. I feel jittery this morning, every sound making me and my nerves jump and my heart race. I’ll shower and get ready for my group meeting and write a blog a day to keep the dementors away.
A lecturer asked me a few days ago what I wanted to do with my life. Apparently my invisibility cloak has been defective these past couple of months and just when I thought I had concealed everything this man comes to class and in the middle of it he starts reading me. It was a Roberta Flack moment filled with fear (Killing Me Softly song reference) . But it made me realize I was not a good an actor as I thought I was. I was walking around with all my emotions on my face and sadly enough the people who matter don’t see it and the people who don’t do.
He asks me what do I exactly want to do with my life as I’m a journalism student. Do I want to do videos ? What do I want to do? He then comments that I seem to be doing the wrong course, my relaxed and non- caring, shy disposition to life and people, and what my response to the opposite sex would be like if approached. He then stops after a while ,looks at me with shoulder shrugs “What do you want to do?”
To which I replied, the thing that clinged to me most. ” I want to write”. He asks me what do I want to write and I tell him anything, I just want to write. But what I didn’t say was on another scale, I am a creative, I like to see things happen a particular way, to create the story and the script. I have vivid ideas of all the stories I could write and see on the big screen. To see it come alive in the end with all the colours or lack thereof (because black and white can still be beautiful). But I don’t want to be the one holding the camera and knowing what it does. I want to write the script and watch the actors bring something to reality. I do try to learn it because I have understood that it is a basic necessity and I need to pass this expensive course and that I can use it to capture what other people can’t see and still won’t. But it isn’t where my heart is entirely. My heart is there for its creativity. Not for the love of the device itself and to have the most expensive one to showcase to my colleagues and prove that I am serious and a budding camera woman. That I know what i’m doing when I really don’t. I just want to know it can capture what I want in the best quality possible in that moment and I’m on my way. And that’s what drives me to learn how to use it. But I just want to write.
And I sit there not knowing how to explain all of this and he asks me if I have passed my writing courses and I say yes. He lists a hard one that a good portion of my class mates can’t seem to pass and I tell him yes and he scoffs at this being a video man and says something that almost gets me up out of my seat but I remain because I have learnt and I kept reminding myself in that moment that people are entitled to their opinion. He says in a boastful way in an attempt almost to be cool and connect with a class filled with camera people who I might have insulted with my honesty to not be a part of their crowd and share their love for taking pictures and capturing reality with beautiful devices. He said and looked dead in the middle of the class that he thought the writing class was boring, in a what I say goes kind of way. It was in that moment that I knew I wanted to be a writer. It was an insult to the very thing I loved.
Obviously this man believed that using words to capture reality was boring. As a person who sits up in early mornings not to mention countless midnights and write poetry and listen to Sarah Kay breathe life into words I was astounded. And I made a decision that I would try to practice writing. Read a ton of books. Practice, practice, keep writing anything. So that a man and probably a class who saw a quiet girl sinking into seats and trying to disappear who they thought (or you could hear it in the silence ) that because she didn’t interact much, say anything, do well with cameras to be boring therefore of course she would pass the boring writing course. Admittedly I do tend to wear the same bun since I’ve been attending university but it is an easy and quick hairstyle and who cares this is university. But they deemed writing boring and people who choose such a path boring. I became more committed to bringing words to life and become a good writer, so the next couple of years when they mention me the silence and scoffs will be astonishment and other people who write won’t be limited to being only boring intellectuals who they think are trying to say we are better and smarter. Because you are a quiet person doesn’t mean you assume superiority. Sometimes that’s just how some people internalise. We can’t all be extroverts.
However I just want at the end of the day for them to know that a girl writes and she writes well or can. It made me also realize that I’ve been lazy and not measuring up to my full potential. That people should stop judging people and putting them in a box or judge them if they can’t fit into the one they find ideal. I also found it strange that a course that accepts so may creatives and tells them to be themselves could be so judgemental when you didn’t do what they deemed creative.
I’m not the best and I have a lot of work to do.
And so for the rest of the class I sat there hoping and praying that this lecturer doesn’t fail me all because I chose to be a writer.
I’ve become more aware since the other day that i’m actually an adult. Yep i’m 23 but I don’t feel like it. I feel like i’m just turning 18 and the world and reality has just arrived at my doorstep. I also feel torn between being young and being old. I consider 24 and up old age. I know its weird but I just feel like once you hit 24 you’re no longer liable to being young, wild and free. That’s the age I see people really figuring out life; getting married, starting their family; trying to get that steady job; having friends over and discussing grown up things like politics, vacation spots, food and just life. I’ve also realised the things I can attain, that just because I want to do something doesn’t mean it will happen. Actions count not empty dreams. Its easy to want something and expect it to happen overnight.
But all I can think about is I want a house. Nothing grand just a beautiful house with lands stretching out on both sides. I want dogs. I want peace and quiet and waking up early in the mornings when the sky barely has any sketch of light blue or orange and just making coffee. And you can hear the radio playing soothing reggae in the background and maybe the tv news going, with what the weather is like and i”ll just sit there and watch the world begin. Just sit on those steps, enjoying morning chill and just drink coffee or maybe i’ll just have ginger tea instead. But that’s what made me realize i’m getting old. That I can do that one thing for the rest of my life.
Happy New Year! I hope this year brings you guys happiness and all that good stuff. But here are foods that you guys should try because they are the best things in life and i’m not kidding. Here are my top 5 foods of all time that owns my soul:
- Stouffers sphagetti and meatballs. Nothing compares to this and yes I have eaten up to 3 in a day or more. It is addicting, it is delicious. It has a rich sauce with the perfect consistency and the meatballs is to die for. This has a huge chunk of my soul and nothing i’ve ever tried compares to this spaghetti and meatballs which makes you wonder, what’s in in this?
2. KFC Jamaica- Now Jamaica is known to offer a wide array of things, rich in culture and diverse people from various walks of life. However once you try their kfc you feel robbed your entire life. They somehow manage to perfect their craft on this Caribbean island. It will make you reconsider life.
3. Hot Cheetos- It’s hot but you can’t stop eating it. Story of my life. It’s the crunchy things.
4. Magnum ice cream bar- And the award goes to! Best ice cream iv’e ever eaten. It’s just…hard to explain.
5. Yoplait- unexpected maybe healthy turn but yes this is a must have. Its just a must have. Its just… life.
So now that you guys have the key to my soul. Let me know what foods I should try and what’s the best thing you’ve ever eaten or you’re addicted to?
Also drop a comment if you want me to check out your blogs below. Have a blessed day!