FAMOUS

I’ve been having writer’s block, straddling between do I want to go on a blog and tout my feelings to my 3 random likes who probably just like for like back sake in a series of whiplash posts titled or holding the theme of i’m feeling happy, sad and deep. My boyfriend just told me i’m lazy, I am but I feel as if i’m always tired and if not I just can’t be bothered to attempt something that will feel unfulfilling and end up being a bad experience or a waste of effort. I’ve been thinking of giving this a long break, maybe 6 months to a year and come back and look at who I used to be. We always think we are great in a moment and time always proves we are not. I just need my fear and anxiety to relax. I lay in bed in the early mornings wide awake and i’m staring at Instagram models, some looking like they can’t breathe due to botched nose jobs. I look at there pages and I feel like I can’t breathe because seeing there noses make me try to gasp for air because my mind is trying to adjust to how do they breathe. Vanity is a bitch. Time is a mirror. This world loses it’s beauty day by day, it’s like watching a color fade. I don’t feel excited for anything in this life, nothing truly exciting. Maybe that’s my problem, i’m ungrateful.

I used to want to be famous, rich and glamorous. Maybe being poor isn’t so bad. I’m just tired, i’m going to give this a break. I guess i’ll let you know what the future is like maybe 6 months from now. Maybe I need to live a little.

UNIVERSITY UPDATE

I thought this year I would debunk old ways and start guns ablazing. I was wrong, terribly wrong. Old habits are hard to break and everything is easier said than done. So what did I come back to university to? Better classmates, I cant remember socializing this much with so many people. They’re ok but you still see daily glimpses of why they’re not my favorite people to work with in the world. I wrote an assignment two hours before it was due. Its my final year project and that was all the time and interest I could muster up in my life to put into it. I had five days, which consumed of me eating, sleeping,  listening to music watching new series Westworld and watching the last four episodes of Avatar to see what really happened. Did he defeat the fire lord Ozi? I expected him to look much older in the end and it was good but I guess a part of me already knew the ending.  I also spent the entire time saying I was going to do the assignment assigning future days and hours and now I’ve already missed 3 and a half classes. But its the beginning , I can turn this around? Being in love is not all its cracked up to be. You start to realise how annoying and manipulative people can really be. Relationships are time consuming and emotionally draining. Its fun when you’re in the lovey dovey stage but afterwhile youre still lovey dovey and the newness has worn off you do start thinking about the single life. But I would be lonely and that’s not good, is it? I guess this is where people separate infatuation from love cause I feel like I would have been gone ages ago. But better time management skills need to be utilized. Also im back to struggling to buy food and shit. Life is just great, peaches and cream.

DON’T KNOW HOW TO ACT

I’m in my last year, my skin is clear and glowing,  I have a boyfriend who loves me, i’m listening to Lauryn Hill and reading ratchet Instagram news and catching up on various personalities, I want nice things in life, I am incognito, crave food and just enjoy all the sunlight I can get. University has kicked in and my courses are all lined up like linebackers. They are determined not to let me cross the finishing line which would therefore mean my university gets more money when I fail and have to do another year. My GPA is quaking, depreciating everytime I exhale and I haven’t shaved in awhile because nature is right. LOL. I’m hiding in fear from my past, dodging it every chance I get. I don’t want to see people who want to break my neck or interact with those who hate me. I have no friends, I’m waking up early in the mornings which could be a sign of anxiety times 100 or i’m getting old. This school year promises to be a tough one and I find myself having mini panic attacks whenever I think about anything related to school which is often.

I’m just buzzing and hypersensitive to life and my surroundings. My new housemates probably never hear me because i’m cautious about every sound I make. The other night my phone dropped and I panicked not because my phone might stop working, but that anyone would hear me; mind you I have my own flat in the basement. I’m better but not better.  I want to go somewhere for awhile and eat and laugh and breathe. I could forget and just be. Just me and endless skylines. I hope I master this school year and I hope life gives me a break. I have a lecturer who seems to hate my guts and I can’t seem to function no matter how hard I try, people just see me as scared and loopy. I was never good at hiding my emotions. I string them on a line but lets see if I can attack and win this year. I have to atleast try. Don’t we? That’s all I can do at this point and do it like i’m never gonna try anything again.

LIFE IS AWESOME

Life has gotten beautiful for just 5 seconds. I now have my own apartment which i’m assembling for school next week. I probably won’t attend because nothing happens in the first week and lecturers wait for everyone to arrive to start anything substantial. The apartment isn’t beautiful and the location isn’t the best but i’ve added touches to it and I dare say I am proud of myself. Living on my own is a big step but I feel grown and an adult like independence has kicked in. Not only do I have my own place but I have a boyfriend, he’s from Nigeria and he’s the most amazing thing you’ve ever met. I have peace of mind, I’ve learnt not to hold grudges, forgive and to be patient with people and life. Of course I just got snubbed by people today who I thought were my friends but it’s okay. Life keeps moving and holding on to feelings does nothing for us. I hope I have a beautiful and productive year, that God shines his light on me and that his divine grace will always be upon me. You know what i’ve also learnt that sometimes negativity and looking at all the bad things only makes a terrible life. Positivity and faith goes a long way and i’m looking at all the silver linings and love I have to give to the world. I just don’t let anything ruin my day and know everything happens for a reason but we can be happy with the small things and complain less. Idk even with having no friends, never getting invited anywhere and final year pressures looming, I’m just happy and will try my best. That’s all I can do, I can’t be worried or concerned over everything and it gives me more time to be with myself and heal I guess. I used to be so angry and annoyed at the world. Life was just hard and right now its awesome.  I hope your summer has also been great and sending tons of light your way, no matter the darkness you’re in.

FEAR WON’T LET ME BE GREAT

I used to read this book when I was 13 called Fearless by Francine Pascal when I started getting attacked by anxiety and fear just starting high school. It was about a teenage girl born without the fear gene; trained by her CIA dad in all forms of martial arts and so for a year I walked around acting tough believing I was ‘Fearless’. Now I am wrecked with anxiety, the possibility of making a simple phone call terrifies me. I’m not a natural conversationalist. So there are awkward pauses after “how are you?”and “how’s life?” and just calling somebody on the phone gets my heart racing because they can hear how weird and awkward I am (I believe). Therefore can you imagine barreling through people on a daily basis and trying to act normal. I can’t make speeches in front of people and I worry about what people think and say about me. I’m my own judge and juror; for something as trivial as someone saying hi and wondering if I greeted them back right, judging my pictures to the T (there’s no wonder as to why I don’t have a Whatsapp profile picture). Atleast once every week I have an anxiety attack, I can’t breathe, I’m breathing but not breathing, lungs crash and squeeze against my ribs and my heart dances to Calypso beats. I’m afraid to let the girl with whom I share bathroom see me because we do not speak. She’s only ever seen me about 2 times the entire semester (5 months), how I do it? It is a difficult feat but I am cursed by insomnia. I’m afraid to cook because I don’t want her nor her friends seeing me, staring at me and invading my space. I’m afraid to create a Youtube channel because I don’t want people to see and criticize me; personality and all. Fear is not trying because you already see yourself possibly winning but you might also fail so why bother. It’s not wanting to go out with this really cute guy because he’s actually good at reading you and we can’t have that. I must remain a mystery. Men like mystery and people do too.

If I didn’t have fear or a care in the world can you imagine all the things i’d accomplish. It hasn’t done anything but put my life in handcuffs like Christian does to Anna in Fifty Shades of Grey (random analogy). And when someone mentions doing anything that requires me to exert myself I panic, not to mention I detest change, I like the  known and comfortable. Maybe weed would help. I’m just tired of being afraid. I just need scientists to come up with a way of eliminating the fear gene. So I can live if even for a day, just a day. I would be happy, i’d be a superhero. Wonder woman for a day? But instead i’m the girl with her hair in a bun, wearing minimal lip balm, comfortable shirt and jeans that trembles every time she hears a loud sound. I could make friends, you know long term friends. Instead of always talking to people online. But as much courage as I muster those will always be could haves. All the Youtube videos on how people overcome their anxiety and fears don’t really work, it doesn’t. They tell you to fake it till you make it.  If I could fake it, I could do the real thing.

They love to say what’s there to be anxious or fearful of and they utter the quote that is supposed to deactivate all fear genes but for some reason it doesn’t work for me. Fear has molded itself into my body, blossomed, it feeds off of me. It reminds me of this big leafed green plant that latched on to a tree in my backyard and before we knew it was there. It grew like a beanstalk trunks thick and green, vines running along the tree’s body, its leaves blocking out its sunlight. The poor tree was barely surviving leaning as best as it could on something it had no strength or will to get rid of. I am at that tree bending for light. But people look at you and they think telling you this will work; life’s mantra for the fearless “You only live once”. Only fucking once.

CONFUSED

You think you’re alone in this world and you wait for this guy to arrive but when he does you’re not sure because you sometimes fall for the villain in the Disney movies before you meet Prince Charming. But there are numerous times the girls meet Prince Charming and live happily ever after or that Mills and Boons romance novel you used to read with the chaos before it all starts, then newfound attraction and sex, the minor confusion before the book ends and they confess their undying love for each other and live happily ever after. Nothing works like that but then again that’s why these love stories work so well commercially. They’re what people hope or wish would happen in real life. But i’m 23 young, wild and free; summer what are you doing? Isn’t it too early to throw in the towel. I feel it is, I just can’t.

Anyway i’m on this at 5am confused and terrified about a guy who’s sitting at his desk waiting for work to be over to tell me he missed me the whole time including now i’m writing this post. Life used to be easy.

UHM WORDPRESS BELIEVES IN US

I have seen a lot of platforms for creatives and though WordPress is a beautiful place with thousands of creatives and amazing blogging spaces not to mention designs. I feel  when it comes to believing in its writers and what they do and provide especially in an era where videos are now a thing WordPress lacks that connection to its users and motivating them. For example Youtube, they rank you by views, they host various events, they monetise the content for advertising space and they make each achievement feel worthwhile. I mean yes you get the you have made the 1000 post notification but its not the same as getting a Youtube button plaque in your email or memorabilia. Also if you check it out we’re mostly just creatives liking, reading and commenting on each others work which is perfectly fine but our audience comprises of us mostly? But what would be cool is going on to Instagram and seeing an ad that says read this persons amazing post about “How to Travel in the Summer” or “How to Procrastinate”. I know we are given the title starving artists but you’d think such a platform would push to expand and break boundaries and stereotypes. I mean I know you can purchase your own website and monetise it but what would be nice would be if they said okay, get a thousand interactions (just saying) and you will get a free website for every month you do maintain that interactivity. Believe in us the way other platforms believe in there creators. I see on other writing platforms persons get movies and book deals all the time, and i’m not jealous it’s just sometimes you read some amazing things on here but I’ve never seen a headline with WordPress writer gets a movie and book deal. And don’t get me wrong WordPress isn’t the only writing platform that is set up in this particular way but I just feel like writers and writing has been thrown on a back burner to everything else and people don’t look at it that interested these days because it doesn’t appeal to them the way other things do.  But hey what do I know, all the things I’ve mentioned might be happening and I haven’t seen it and i’m just going off of assumptions but I’ve never heard someone say they’re reading WordPress and these are the blogs they’re following, these are the content creators they enjoy the most and to me that’s kinda sad. I mean the internet is so huge and limitless in this day and age. Then why is writing so so.